Early in my career, I subconsciously dealt with stress by increasing my adrenaline level. By seeking harder tasks. By doing extreme sports, lifting heavier weights than I should have and never, ever admitting there was a problem. I wanted to project a model of invulnerability, infallibility, reliability and an example of a man “unscarred by trials”. After all, I had modeled myself on the Stoics. Sisyphus’ parable had been a constant theme in my development. There’s a fairly popular online meme which basically says: “God, give me harder battles”!
The only time I ever took a day off as sick leave was when I dislocated my shoulder and could not put it back in by myself. I was back at work – embarrassed and in a great deal of pain – the next day.
When I returned to my duties, I realised that sympathy for my physical ailments was shielding me from any other criticism. Unknowingly, I used the “I am not well, sorry” excuse to hide from any meaningful conversation about my performance. For a brief period, this was a powerful armour which kept me “safe”.
But did it?
My values have always been underpinned by a strong ethical core and – before being dishonest with others – I loathed being dishonest with myself. So I did some reading and some soul searching. It took me years – and I still struggle – to come to terms with my vulnerabilities.
It is hard for a young person (or for anyone, actually) to admit they are fallible and vulnerable. Digging deeper into your insecurities and objective shortcomings can be an excoriating process. Especially if the culture you come from, or the one you fall into, does not have that in its code – or in the modern version of it.
Yes, we tell people they should talk about their feelings and open up. We read and hear about it, cyclically and especially when it comes to men, who – as is widely known - hide their issues until someone finds a suicide note.
So why was I so fixated with the “invulnerable” model? That’s possibly because I saw it in people who I considered successful. Little did I know they were looking sharp and collected while paddling like mad and struggling under the surface. With a few exceptions, with the passage of time I learned about burnouts, broken families, bankruptcies, criminal dishonesty and more.
Those who went the distance, with lasting success – and more importantly – a balanced and fulfilling life, were the ones who showed a more humane and humble side, wore no armour and worked on their challenges openly and collaboratively.
The core message is - when you are genuinely struggling with your health – physical and mental health are one and the same, for there can’t be one without the other - talk about it. Not by broadcasting on social media, but by having meaningful conversations with those people around you who are willing to listen and support.
Apply the same principle to your professional struggles.
- Don’t hide.
- Don’t use excuses.
- Don’t blame anyone.
- Do not take shortcuts. They create bad habits
- Focus on the problem.
- Look at your objectives and define – clearly – the steps and actions required by you and people around you to achieve them.
- Discuss where you feel you are falling short. People in your life with a genuine interest in your wellbeing and/or success will be glad to listen, offer advice, help and appreciate the honesty and maturity of your actions.
It is possible – although unlikely – that you might find resistance or rejection. That is not a sign of you doing anything wrong. It’s a red flag for you and a clear message to look for the exit.
I look forward to your comments below.
Thanks for reading.
